CL: Yes maam!

CL: Well… today’s call, I think I would like to be an organizational call. Or kind of a clarity on my direction. If that makes any sense.

CL: Ok, part of my problem is I tend to have a lot of things I want to do, but I take off on which ever one is easiest or closest at hand or whichever one I’m inspired to do at the moment, but I need to work in a more organized fashion and so I think today, I’d kinda like to hone it down to one thing if I can.

CL: Ok I have I had decided I wanted to continue moving toward my creative self. My more creative self, and get away from my dutiful, responsible self. One of the questions you asked me about my time wasters, and I realized that if I can’t find a way to waste my time, I’ll do something dutiful. I’ll go help my mother, or help my mother or do something to feel productive. So instead, I’d really like to hold my feet to the fire and stay on a creative bent.

CL: Well I have a quilting class coming up, and that’s Saturday and they will kind of organize me for that, so I’m not going to worry about the quilting part.

CL: I guess I’ll have to because I have the class itself tomorrow, and then there will be homework and then I have another class in another couple of weeks. So I guess I’ll just have to make time for that.

CL: Good question, well, I’m working so if it’s on a weekday, it will have to be probably between 5 and 7, because I have other stuff I tend to do between 3 and 5. And so it will at least have to be between those hours during the week, I don’t know how much time I’m going to need, you know in between, but I know I could pull those two hours out most of the week.

CL: Probably Monday through Thursday is better, I know Friday I’ll just turn up my toes and do nothing, so I’ll leave Friday as a day off.

CL: Yeah, so that would give me 8 hours and I would be surprised if it’s more time than that, I guess I’ll find out at the end of next week.

CL: I feel kind of excited about it, only because it’s something I’ve always wanted to learn to do. And I like the person who’s going to give the class so it’s kind of a motivating thing, so I think I’ll feel pretty good about it.

CL: Ok, well part of my problem is, like I put on my notes, I don’t have an expertise, so I’m not really good at any one thing, but there are things I like to do that are creative. I found out I could paint, so I put painting on my own on my list, because I can do it with lessons. And then I also, a long time ago, I know I probably told you about it, I want to create a CD, and a few songs that I like to sing, and pretty much give to my family. And I got as far as kind of making a list, and then things came up and I let it go and I never pursued it. So that would be a good contender in thinking on my own. Those are I think the highest on the list.

CL: Just life, like I said, to me my time wasters is I realized that I have tended to do what is needed at the time, and so I kinda set aside stuff that I might want to do because it just doesn’t seem as important as… and I’d like to stop doing that! I’m not as needed as I used to be. And there are other solutions besides my stepping in, and I tend to be the first one to step in, so I’m trying to practice hanging back, if that makes any sense. And so I thought well if I had myself busy with things that I like, then I could have an excuse to hang back, you know what I’m saying? Because if I don’t have a good excuse, it’s like well I can get that done, not a big deal. And it leaves me with these holes.

CL: OK, the time wasters I have, I noticed, well, you might remember that over lent I gave up facebook? And I wound up with all of this time! I mean, I stopped playing video games, and I wound up with a lot of time on my hands, and I was thinking my goodness, there are hours that I have spent literally sitting on the couch either going through facebook or playing my video games, or watching tv, sometimes doing all simultaneously, and I’ve not read books I’ve wanted to read, I’ve not done anything per se, to fill up my time. It’s like I’m waiting for something to happen in order to be needed. And so that kind of woke me up to that fact that I use these things just to kind of, kind of like when you unplug a machine it just sits there on your counter not being used forever and ever. And that’s how I realized that I was spending my time, so those were pretty easy time wasters to identify. I seem to shut down instead of find an inner motivation. So maybe that’s what I need to look at. An inner motivation that will get me… get some of these things done.

CL: Hmmm… Yeah, that’s a good point. That’s a good thought there.

CL: Yeah, because I do look at it that way, I think it’s the fact that I’ve reached a time in my life that’s very different for me. I don’t, everyone, and thank God for this, everyone is handling their stuff, all on their own. You know kids, parents, sisters and brothers, friends, everyone. So it’s a very good time. And I think it’s what… I get this desire, like now that everyone is ok, now my time to do something, and then I sit there thinking, I don’t know what to do. There’s like 3 or 4 things I could do, so instead, I’m picking a time waster instead, and thinking I’m resting, or thinking I’m uh, but it’s just wasting time, so that’s a really something good to think about. I think that what I have to do is

CL: At the time, it doesn’t feel like it’s a waste, it feels like I’m free to do whatever I want, even if it’s nothing.

CL: Yeah, video games give me that charge that achieving gets you because I can just eat up those levels. And that feeds a part of me I enjoy, saying oh I can get that level, and boom I get it, and I’m like YAY! And if I’m like the detective stories, like Columbo, I like that he’s so clever. And it’s interesting the way he winds his way around solutions. So they seem to capture the parts of me that likes to figure things out and move things forward, but in actuality, I’m watching somebody else doing those things, I’m not really doing anything. So it kind of feels that it’s like a false pleasure I guess I don’t really know how else to explain it. But I don’t think about it as wasting until I had to put something in its place and then all of a sudden it’s like holy mackerel there’s like hours there from doing nothing.

CL: Well I started painting my woodwork which was a horrendous job, and it’s almost done. So I have that really good feeling of achievement, that everything looks so much better, and so everything has a nice freshness to it. Uh, I think the only clever thing I do it’s really not clever.

CL: I commentate on things I see on the news or the talk shows or whatever. And my husband, poor thing, he’s the recipient of all of this faux wisdom.

CL: Faux wisdom, you know it’s like oh I bet I know why they are doing this, it’s because blah blah blah, like trying to be clever or maybe coming up with things that may or may not be true, but they kind of fit together in an odd sort of way, you know how people do when they are talking about things.

CL: Yeah, and they don’t it’s not amounting to anything, but it’s kind of like there’s a sense of satisfaction I guess of doing it. Participating in it. So it kind of feeds that leveling up and achieving, but I think I’m getting tired of the fact that I have nothing to show for it. And I’ve always had that in my life, where I had something to show for it. I could say, well I’ve worked this long on this project and we achieved this much and you know, I never did it 100% on my own, because you work with people to do it but the satisfaction is so great. And I think that’s the part I need to get moving on.

CL: Well the three things I have here, the quilting, the CD and the painting. I’d have to choose the CD only because it’s been hanging out there the longest, and I think it has the potential for the most fun, you know for me.

CL: Yeah, well because the end result is what I’d get the biggest kick out of and the collaborations, you know but I guess well my sister called me up and asked me to go walking with her tomorrow. So maybe I can talk to her about how she’d feel about collaborating with me. Maybe she even has some ideas, so I can talk to her tomorrow. I see Lori on Sunday, so I can see if she’s feeling up to it, she’s been awfully sick lately, so we’ll have to see. But you know it doesn’t have to be done in the next week it could take a while.

CL: Yeah, and then you know I’d have to get my voice in order, I haven’t sang in, gosh I can’t even tell you how long. And so we’d have to see if there’s anything to work with there anymore. At one time that was fun, but maybe I know maybe Lori would enjoy that, maybe if we go to Karaoke or something, and that might be, a nice way to get some practice in and to get some songs too.

CL: Well I think my biggest challenge will be uhm… I guess the biggest one would be if they can’t or wouldn’t want to do it. If there’s no one to collaborate with, that would be huge! It would be the absolute worst thing that could happen I guess. And the medium thing would probably be that maybe if only one other person would want to collaborate. Just finding how we’re going to get the musicians. They used to have those background tapes or something so you could, what did they used to call those?

CL: Yeah, something like that. They used to have those.

CL: That would help if we couldn’t find some other kind of musician back up because all you’d need is to have the words, and then you just perform it. So probably those would be the biggest challenges.

CL: Yeah, that would be a real hurdle for me because part of the thing I really like about this idea in the beginning was that I could do it with someone else of similar interest. If that interest only exists with me, I don’t know, I guess I’d have to really uh… well I’d have to believe that I still had a voice for it.  I think as long as I feel like I can sing well, I wouldn’t mind doing it on my own, because then I don’t feel like… well then I would enjoy it. I think if I’m mostly there, and somebody else is mostly there, and together we could make it good, that’s where I think I am. So that’s where I think that’s more attractive to me. So I guess getting the voice in order is going to be… if I had confidence in that, then it really wouldn’t matter to me one way or the other, and that might make it more attractive for somebody else. Because they always like to join in if it’s going to be fun, you know not when they have to if something happened.

CL: Yeah, because I think that is right. You see part of my problem is that I don’t have a lot of confidence in my own voice right now, so I’ll have to figure… I don’t even know how would I do that?

CL: Well I think it’s because I haven’t sang you know, the last time I remember singing a song, good lord, it was I think when karaoke was high, you know in the 90’s 80’s something like that, where people would go out to karaoke parties and sing, and I even went around with a bunch of I would just go to the clubs around the area and they would have contests and everything, and it was just the in thing to do with your time. So that was a long time ago. So I think part of it was that I just have to practice a few things and then, I don’t know maybe go to a karaoke bar, and just convince myself that I can do it. Yeah, I’m not shy, I don’t have that problem.

CL: Well that’s a good idea. I know for sure that Lori was saying before she got sick, before fall, there was a place near her where she was going to do karaoke just to keep her motivation up. And she said it was a really – good for her to do that. So I know if they won’t do it, at least she would. Even if she just came to listen, I think she would, that would be a good thing! You might come with me Liz, you’d be a good listener, and you’d be honest so that would help.

CL: So that’s probably the painless way of figuring out what I could do.

CL: I’m on the fun side, easy, more carefree way of just kind of seeing where I am. Because I would, yeah that would be the easiest thing for me to do, because I can’t think of any other, my sister sings in the choir at church and so I think she’s probably good to go. My younger sister, I don’t know if she’s ever stopped singing, although I think she sings mostly at home, so I don’t really have to much worry about their voices. But I’m a little bit of a stickler about where mine is because I haven’t done it. I don’t even sing in my car any more.

CL: I’m hoping it won’t. That would be the only, biggest question in my mind, only because for no reason why it’s happened, but I have been unusually quiet, where it comes to music, for probably the last 10 years. And so I really, to sing well, I’m really going to have to open that up. So doing karaoke, they have some old songs, which are probably the only thing I know at this point. And maybe Lori can help me too, she’ll probably could give me some idea of what’s out there since she’s been doing it lately.

CL: Well actually that was kinda on my original list when I first started putting this CD idea to work, that was number 1 on my list. So yeah, that’s still there, so that can go right to number 2, especially if I have trouble with getting out to karaoke.

CL: Oh… fear. Just plain old ordinary fear. That would be the only thing, but it kind of defeats the purpose if I don’t move forward on that, because if the worst were to happen and if no one had the time, or it just didn’t work out for everybody, then I’d have to set it aside, and I know I probably wouldn’t pick it up again. And I kinda would like to see what would happen with it. So yeah, I could look around, I think there’s a lady down in Oregon City that gives voice lessons, I’ll have to check that out again.

CL: Oh that’s a good question, let me think. Hmm… well usually they’re only about an hour long, and maybe only once a week, so yeah, I don’t think there would be trouble finding time. Because actually I can’t imagine it being a downer, you know? Because I think the last time I took voice lessons, of course that was a long time ago, I went for one hour a week, and I could probably handle that. Even with the quilting, I could sing while I quilt Liz!

CL: And I could probably the third thing I would like to do is go through the list of songs, and maybe find something updated. You know so they don’t all have to be dreaded old diddies. I’ll have to think about those. Everybody will have some ideas, I’ll collect from as many people as I can deal with and see what I can do.

CL: That will be great, you know if I can do that, the CD, I will have 2 things that I really always wanted to do off my list! The quilting and my CD. Huh!

CL: Wow I did not think this was going to come up, isn’t that weird!?

CL: Uhm, I have that kind of nervous excitement around the CD, because it’s an Oh My God kinda thing! But it looks like a clear… looks like it’s doable, which I think part of me didn’t think it was going to be, so this is good. And I’m not worried about the quilting, because I either do it, or I don’t get a quilt. So that’s not going to be a problem. But uh yeah there will be a lot more experts encouraging me for the CD because there’s a lot I’ll have to arrange before I get there, but first things first. I think that looking into the voice lessons will be my number one thing, and then I’ll talk to my sister and Lori to see what Karaoke looks like for those two, and I’ll go dig up my list of songs somewhere I know I put them somewhere. Maybe I’ll make up a whole new list once I talk to the girls.

CL: Yeah, I’ll let you know who, where I find… I think Harmony Road or I’ll have to go look it up again, but there used to be a music center on Harmony Road, and they had voice lessons.

CL: Uhm well no I don’t think, these two are my biggest ones, I think singing and I guess honoring my time for these things would be the only other thing I have to put in place so that, they aren’t going to become excuses for not doing dutiful things, but they are going to be… I think I’ll work around what I want to do with these two areas rather than setting them aside. That’s how I need to look at this, because, I’m going to write that down.

CL: Yeah, because I think that I didn’t feel like I was dishonoring it, but it was like well this just isn’t as important as… but it’s left me with these holes and I don’t want that anymore. So I am good.

CL: Uhm yeah, ask me about it, I can send you. It’s going to be easy to send you pictures about how I progress with my quilt. And as far as the CD thing, yeah, when we talk, just say and… how’s it going with the ….and make sure I’m honoring my time. Because I think that’s going to be the trick for me, is to really honor my time. Because it’s not, I think I would have accomplished one or two of these things if I had… well yeah.

CL: Well I’ll tell you one of the things, maybe this is more of a comment, but the biggest struggle I had with the list you sent me, is that I have never been a person who has been able to look at goals, 3 months ahead, 2 months ahead, 5 years, it’s like I have never been able to answer those questions. You get them at job interviews and things, where do you see yourself in 5 years, and I always think to myself, 5 years older, I cannot think beyond that. And it was hysterical this time because you know I will be 70 in 5 years. 70!

CL: I was thinking what the hell, how did that happen?! So when I was thinking about creative things, I honestly wasn’t thinking about what we came up with. I was just thinking about uh, in the next 5 years, what will my life look like. And it just never been a mindset for me, I kind of, I don’t see myself as a present person, but I must just handle things as they come along because as a planner, it’s kind of odd, I don’t have that kind of forward vision. So it just struck me when I was looking at this, like OMG there’s that questions again and I can’t answer it.

CL: Yeah. I think that will be good. That in probably 3 months, I would like to have some kind of organization around getting the CD started. I think it would take about that long to coordinate with other people if there is going to be that coordination. And if there isn’t to coordinate myself, you know,  then I’d have to figure out all of the other stuff I don’t know how to do. But I think within a year I should have a CD, don’t you?

CL: That’s what I’m going to put out there as my one year thing, and the 3 month thing, I should have some organization down to where I feel it can happen. 5 years I don’t know…

CL: So let’s see, 3 months from now would be May June July, so do August 1 for seeing how my organization will be going, and I should have a lot done in those three months. At least from my perspective. It will depend on who’s available and all that other stuff. And then in a year, ooh wow, that would be this time next year. Uhm, I don’t even know. Would that be realistic?

CL: How about July 4, Independence Day.

CL: Next year, 2019, I think that would give me plenty of time, and it would kind of be symbolic.

CL: Yeah, something to shoot for, and wow that would be a really neat picnic to be able to slide that CD in there, wouldn’t that be cool?! Yeah you’ll have to be there. Now I’ve got a lot of work to do, thank you very much!

CL: Oh yeah, well the way she’s got it set up, by June 1^st of this year, I’ll have it done. So that is pretty much going to happen, I’d have to lose my machine for it not to happen, she’s a great teacher. But well maybe that’s a good 5 year goal. The 5 year goal would probably be to make sure I have a quilt for everyone in my family. Because that’s why I’m doing this, because I thought I could use maybe some of my favorite photos and create quilts for them. Steven was surprised, and like why are you giving all of the quilts away?! That’s what they are for.

CL: Yeah, well that one I honestly hope if I can do that by next year, if my parents are sill with me, and I hope they are still with me next year, they will get the biggest kick out of it ever! That’s what I was always wanting to get done, and now I better not wait too long, they are so ornery…

CL: Oh yeah, that’s probably the most, it would probably end up looking like that, without the labels, but you’re right, putting in the labels and maybe the month and week and stuff like that would really help me out.

CL: Yes, and by you.

CL: I am, I’ve got that kind of uhm, like I’m afraid I don’t have enough time feeling which is a good thing for me, that fire, so that’s good!

CL: Oh well thank you, it went in a direction I didn’t expect it to go in, but I’m really happy!

CL: Alright thank you maam!